20 Insults and Comebacks

1. Wow is that your hair or did a bird make a nest on your head?
"This beautiful mane is 100% my hair...but really now, is that your face or did a dog take a crap on it?" (or "did an elephant sit on it?")

2. Nice shoes are you joining the clown convention?
"honey, if i'm joining the clown convention, you must be joining the freak show."

3. Did you wake up in the 70's those clothes look like your mother's.
"Honey, Retro is IN; you, however, are OUT." or "aww, sad you can't see this fabulous body behind all these clothes?"

4. Something in this room smells and I think it is you.
"Nope, that would be your brain frying." or "HOLY SHIT YOU CAN THINK!?"

5. Did your mother have any children that lived?
"HELL yeah baby! And look what a trooper I turned out to be!"
or, "Who do you think you're talking to? but honestly, I feel sad for you. Cuze if I had your mother, I'd only be a pup with a big mouth- just like you."

6. I thought I saw someone cool and I realized it was just you.
"Of course I'm not 'cool', sugar. 'cool' is for people with blue balls. I'm fucking HOT."

7. Were you talking to me? I see your mouth moving but I don't hear anything.
"OOOOHHH, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were THAT hard of hearing. Maybe you should invest in hearing aids."

8. Are you normally retarded or is it just a phase?
"Are you normally a bitchy-ass brat, or is it just a phase?" (bastard if it's a guy)

9. Hey get out of the way. You are blocking my view of someone who is actually cool.
"I'm sooorry you're an asshole who doesn't have the basic motor and/or mental functions to be able to move to the side to see another wanna-be."

10. Wow is that your ass? I think it should have a wide load sign.
"Wow is that your face? I think it should have a 'holy-shit-gouge-your-eyes-out" sign." or "Wow is that your body? I think it should have a U-turn sign."

11. Do you see a cattle crossing sign anywhere?
oh, I didnt realize you were looking for one.

12. I'd slap you but shit splatters.
I'd slap you too, but I'm afraid your stupid will spread.

13. Woah, I didn't realize it was skank day.
Don't worry, not even a whore would go near your kinda ugly.

14. Hey I don't think that chair will hold elephants.
hey, I think that stick up your ass is about to puncture your liver.
or: then maybe you shouldn't be sitting there
or: I don't think your clothes are doing a good job of keeping that ape-shit smell in.

15. This is Junior Prom not junior porn.
This is junior prom, not junior stiffs.
or: don't be sad cuze you can't tap this

16. Dinosaur's have pea sized brains I am guessing that they are probably looking for their missing ancestor and it is you.

two things honey: one, dinosaurs are dead so they can't look for me. two, if their brains are pea sized they wouldn't even notice you missing.

17. When you were born you came with a sign that said batteries not included.
I was made for the future! Renewable energy baby!
or: rif batteries not needed! (reading is fundamental)

18. If you have to be smarter than the object you are using than you should just leave it alone.
then why are you using your mouth?

19. Don't use big words you don't understand. You might hurt yourself.
then you shouldn't be using words larger than three letters.

20. If you fell out of a boat in shark infested waters they would swim away because you are too dumb to eat.
WOOHOO! I survived and you diiiiddnnnn'ttttt!
or: it's not even about the brains! Your fat ass fed them first.